Satire

Cornell Protests Omission From College Admissions Cheating Scandal News

Cornell’s administration is furious after they claim to have been omitted from the list of top schools disciplined from the college admissions cheating scandal, which included Yale and Princeton, among others.

“So many people have cheated to get into Cornell!” a top-ranking administration member told us. “In the past two years alone, we’ve accepted over $100 in donations to admit 2 students. It’s not like no one wants to come to this school. We’re one of the best schools in the nation, and we’re definitely as good as the other Ivies, like Yale and Princeton. Probably better than most, if not all of them. Definitely better than Yale and Princeton. In fact, we encourage admissions cheating here. That’s what sets us apart from other, inferior schools. Like Yale and Princeton.”

It remains to be seen if schools such as the University of Miami, or “The Ivy of Florida,” come forward with similar accusations.

Cornell Administration Relocates Swim Test To Triphammer Falls; Success Rate Plummets, As Do Students

The Cornell administration has really upped the ante on its graduation requirements this year, moving its infamous swim test to Triphammer Falls to prove to students that every swimming experience is a life or death experience, and not just a fun trip to the local pool with their families. Disappointed swim test administrators could be seen shaking their heads and marking “incomplete” on many students’ names as the majority of them failed to resurface from the bottom of the falls after being asked to dive headfirst off the bridges.

Cornell senior Gabriel Henderson, who decided to put off taking his swim test until his senior year, stood despondently in line as he waited for his turn. “Waiting to take this test was supposed to be a joke!” he bemoaned. “My parents would be so pissed at me if dying from this was the reason I didn’t graduate, especially since I just got a job at Goldman Sachs for next year.”

The Cornell administration declined to be interviewed for this story, only releasing the following statement: “Cornell makes sure that the safety of its students is always its number one priority. Since a greater risk of drowning is posed by these gorges rather than swimming pools, the administration decided it would make much more sense to hold the swimming tests in the gorges themselves. Our students must be as athletically fit as they are academically.”